Wednesday, September 30, 2015

TV Screen Endangering Commercials

I need to vent my spleen as it has filled up with whatever goes into spleens. I've seen that commercial again. The one that makes me want to strangle a teacher. It goes something like this:

Two couples playing Scrabble. One person puts down the word 'you'. The next person says, "I'll build on that word," and sets down the letters n e f c . Another alert Scrabble player says, "Hey, that's not a word-- and you're a teacher!"

Then, the worlds most retarded teacher says-- and I swear she says this-- "Yes it is a word. It's pronounced "nefque" and it STANDS FOR Nassau Educators Federal Credit Union."

That's when I start yelling at my TV. "THAT'S STILL NOT A WORD YOU STUPID FREAKIN' BITCH!!!! AND YOU'RE A TEACHER!!!!!"

This angers me more than the people who cannot do simple tasks like drain spaghetti or peel an egg. The worst offender in my opinion is the dumb bunny who needs a Snuggie because she doesn't know how to use a blanket. A blanket. She has a problem covering herself with a blanket. I need to repeat this: She cannot cover herself with a blanket without major frustration and failure. This is probably why she needs to buy a robe and put it on backwards.

You know who else needs a cockpunch? That stupid fucking hipster in the Sam Adams commercial. The one who never tasted Sam Adams before. Why he never tasted it before, I don't know. Probably because he's a stupid fucking hipster and it's not PBR in a can.

But that's all right. You can be a stupid fucking hipster in your plaid pork pie hat if you wanna. Just don't try to sound like a smart fucking hipster by saying, "I obviously was selling myself short by not even considering this as a possibility." No, you were not selling yourself short. You were selling Sam Adams short. You stupid fucking hipster.

How about the guy that the worst thing that ever happened to him was that he had to leave work and wait in line at the post office. If that's the worst thing that ever happened to you, you need to STFU and go buy some more stamps.  Although I don't find him half as rage inducing as the woman in that same postage scam commercial.

"Can you only get stamps? No, you stupid person. What a dumb question I just asked myself and ascribed to you so that I can talk down to you."


Monday, September 14, 2015

I Only Ever Leave The House To Eat These Days

A short while ago, me and hubby went to Smorgasburg in Prospect Park and had a very lovely time. Almost everything we ate was delicious. Almost.

First off, it was a great day and a great crowd. Not to thin so as too look sad but not so crowded that a streetsweeper is needed in order to take two steps.

We went hungry. Don't see a need to eat anything before going to a smorgasborg, erm, burg. When we got there, we made a beeline to Porchetta for a roast pork sandwich. This is NOT a picture of the roast pork sandwich. We were so hungry we scarfed down the delicious, delicious, oh so delicious pork sandwich which I didn't even think to take a picture of. I'm not sure what this is a picture of but it looks yummy, doesn't it?

I saw a sign for arepas. I LOVE arepas and had to have some. But instead of a delectable slice of fried cornbready and melted cheese heaven, I was given this . . . thing. Palenque claims to be Colombian, but they spell flavor with a "u". What self respecting American spells flavor with a "u"? These people ain't Colombian and that ain't no arepa. I took one bite and handed it to Dany. He was much more intrepid. I took two bites. We actually threw it away.

THIS is a corn and cheese arepa. A nummy, nummy corn and cheese arepa. Can you imagine throwing this beauty away?

Throwing food in the garbage made me hungry. Good thing there were a gazillion food stalls. Bombay Sandwich Co. made giant samosas and mango lassi that were gobbled up posthaste.

It was now time for dessert. If you have read this blog before, you may remember the last time me and Dany were out and I had to have some ice cream, things did not end well for me. In fact, it all came out in the end. Explosively. Luckily for me Alchemy Creamery makes non dairy ice cream. It was almost exactly like eating regular ice cream except for the creamy part. I'da had seconds if it wasn't for the fact that I was finally stuffed.

We didn't get a coconut but we did spend quite some time watching this man swing his machete around like a Baby Doc Duvalier supporter. From far back in the crowd. And keeping a close count of his fingers.

And lastly, we did not rent a bike. This is a family sized bike. There were all sizes and we thought about it but the line to rent was about an hour long. I, for one, plan to go back to Prospect Park just to rent on of these and look like a complete dork.