Wednesday, September 30, 2015

TV Screen Endangering Commercials

I need to vent my spleen as it has filled up with whatever goes into spleens. I've seen that commercial again. The one that makes me want to strangle a teacher. It goes something like this:

Two couples playing Scrabble. One person puts down the word 'you'. The next person says, "I'll build on that word," and sets down the letters n e f c . Another alert Scrabble player says, "Hey, that's not a word-- and you're a teacher!"

Then, the worlds most retarded teacher says-- and I swear she says this-- "Yes it is a word. It's pronounced "nefque" and it STANDS FOR Nassau Educators Federal Credit Union."

That's when I start yelling at my TV. "THAT'S STILL NOT A WORD YOU STUPID FREAKIN' BITCH!!!! AND YOU'RE A TEACHER!!!!!"

This angers me more than the people who cannot do simple tasks like drain spaghetti or peel an egg. The worst offender in my opinion is the dumb bunny who needs a Snuggie because she doesn't know how to use a blanket. A blanket. She has a problem covering herself with a blanket. I need to repeat this: She cannot cover herself with a blanket without major frustration and failure. This is probably why she needs to buy a robe and put it on backwards.

You know who else needs a cockpunch? That stupid fucking hipster in the Sam Adams commercial. The one who never tasted Sam Adams before. Why he never tasted it before, I don't know. Probably because he's a stupid fucking hipster and it's not PBR in a can.

But that's all right. You can be a stupid fucking hipster in your plaid pork pie hat if you wanna. Just don't try to sound like a smart fucking hipster by saying, "I obviously was selling myself short by not even considering this as a possibility." No, you were not selling yourself short. You were selling Sam Adams short. You stupid fucking hipster.

How about the guy that the worst thing that ever happened to him was that he had to leave work and wait in line at the post office. If that's the worst thing that ever happened to you, you need to STFU and go buy some more stamps.  Although I don't find him half as rage inducing as the woman in that same postage scam commercial.

"Can you only get stamps? No, you stupid person. What a dumb question I just asked myself and ascribed to you so that I can talk down to you."