Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Went To My Favorite Place, Had The Worst Time



Freeport's Nautical Mile is one of my favorite places to go and when Vacation Dany said, "Hey, why don't we get in the car and go to Freeport?" I was all over that shit like fish smell on a five day old catfish. I prepared myself for hours of spending a lot of money to see boats, hear live music and eat seafood-- three out of four things I enjoy doing.

Things started off badly. We parked in the municipal parking lot and wondered at the large gathering of perplexed women at the entrance. They were all gathered around the muni-meter. Muni-meter? We have to pay for parking now? Bummer! Oh but wait, it's only 50 cents an hour with a 14 hour max. Not a problem, I'm all for municipalities making a buck and taking care of business. 50 cents an hour was a very small price to pay. The only problem was was that they lied about the 14 hour max. The crowd around the meter formed because 1) WTF, meters?! and 2) Can I please have more than 2 stinking hours on this ticket, PLEASE!!???

The answer was "No." You can only buy up to 7:30 AND NO MORE! So we set our phone alarm for 7:20 so that we won't get our car towed.

That was frustrating. This calls for immediate ice cream action! Pipps it is.

Homemade ice cream with a nautical theme. Whodathunkit? I ate my Graham Central with relish. Not the condiment relish, the adjective relish. Little did I know that my lactose was just about to get Fred Phelps level intolerant.












We meandered. I didn't get to a shop to buy some cheap sunglasses and we ended up at the Scenic Pier. That's the name. They couldn't come up with anything better. It is pretty scenic.


Did some people watching. Got a shot of the best damned legs on the pier. Eat your hearts out, he's taken.

Also watched about a half a dozen young men move a massive amount of liquor, beer, projection screens and equipment onto this boat:

Party over here!


Spent a lot of time watching people frolic in the water and thinking 

There is one thing I really, really want to do. 


More than anything in the world right now.
And that is. . .


To go to the bathroom.

It took the ice cream less than two hours to do it's evil work. I don't know why the ice cream decided to roil my insides. Perhaps it was the the graham crackers. Perhaps the Central Station. More likely the whipped cream on top added to the mayhem. But I really, really wanted to go to the bathroom in my house where I could be alone. But that was not gonna happen. Also, the alarm went off. It was time to feed the meter.

We walked back down the mile and passed this fun looking place: 



And this sedate looking one

When we got to Otto's I had to stop. They have benches out front I sat and told Dany to PLEASE HURRY!!!!!!

15 minutes later our plan to go back to the fun beach party place were nixed because that's how long it took for Dany to mess with the damn meter. He did wrangle three hours out of it that time. But we weren't walking anywhere. We were going straight into Otto's so that I could BLOW THEIR BATHROOM RIGHT THE FUCK UP!!!!

But Otto's paid me back, big time. Firstly, the clams on a half shell were gritty with sand and pieces of shell.

Me to the waiter: Do you have hot sauce?
Waiter: There is cocktail sauce on the platter.
Me: Do you have hot sauce?
Waiter: Will Tabasco do?
Me: Yes, as that is hot sauce.

Secondly, Dany ordered the catch of the day with green beans and carrots. He was given a floured fillet on a bun with french fries. I ordered a broiled lobster with a baked potato. I did get a lobster.

Me: The catch of the day is a sandwich?
Waiter: That's how it comes.
Me: He ordered vegetables. I ordered a potato.
Waiter: Oh, that kitchen! I'll be right back.

We did get to watch these guys dock right next to the restaurant and get served in their boat. Their waiter was far superior to ours.

Me: Thanks for the potato. Do you usually serve it unopened?
Waiter: Yeah, that's how we do it here.
Me: And with tartar sauce?
Waiter examines the plastic cup he just put in front of me: Oh hey, that is tartar sauce! Oh, that kitchen! I'll be right back.

Also, the lobster was like rubber. You're a sea food restaurant, how do you ruin fucking broiled lobster? The clarified butter did go good on the unopened baked potato. Otto's Sea Grill, I would certainly go back there-- to shit.


Still, always pleasant to walk the mile and see the sights.