Friday, May 15, 2015

I'm from Da Bronx, Noo Yawk. I Live on Lawn Guylant. I Tawk English Foine

You know what annoys me? 

When people on TV pronounce the word ‘veterans’ as if there is a ‘ch’ in the middle.

The way the American How It’s Made narrator says ‘robits’ instead of ‘robots’.

When Irish chef Kevin Dudon is cooking on the Create channel and he pronounce ‘oregano’ like he’s going to make a paper swan out of it. or-eh-GAH-no. WTF, dude. You ain’t Eyetalian.

Barbara Feldon pronounces it dino-sahrs. If you don’t know who Barbara Feldon is—get offa my lawn!

The people on 170th Street and The Grand Concourse back in the early ‘80s who always talked about how they were stone cold sover. It’s sober, you bunch of inner city idiots! And they were never sober, stone cold or otherwise.

The mockingbird who sits on the light pole right outside my bedroom window. You can’t do a seagull. Stop trying. Your car backing up and Nextel ringtone sound far better than that awful, half-assed seagull shriek. How is it you can mimic an inanimate object perfectly but can’t copy an animal in your own Genus. Stop it. In fact, shut the hell up all together before I throw a cat at you
.
Hey you Pennsylvanians, you are a proud member of the Northeast no matter how rural your farm is. Stop saying “needs warshed”. No wonder they call where you live Pennsyltucky.


It’s a stoop. You don’t know what a stoop is? No, don’t bend down, that’s a totally different kinda stoop. You can’t sit on that stoop and eat a hard roll with butter with a regular coffee. I said, ‘a roll with butter’ not ‘a dinner roll’. I want to sit here on this stoop, eat this roll with butter, drink my regular coffee with milk and sugar in it and watch the kids play skully.  Waddayamean kids don’t play skelzies no more?



BTW, this is Barbara Feldon:

80's romance girl is wearing cut off denim shorts with fringe. Fringe, people!