Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Lemme 'Splain Myself

There are things that have been said. Said repeatedly. They must be explained. The short explanation is that I am a tall drink of Coco Lopez without the can. The long explanation is that I am old and retain too much pop culture. Not the pop culture everyone else keeps like, Where's The Beef or Two-Two-Two Mints in One! No, it's stuff only I remember and then I say it and then I have to explain it but don't because fuck that noise, I'm busy talking. Well, here are some explanations.

Come, Come Algebra!
I don't say this as much now that my children are grown but it was a staple of my vocabulary when they were recalcitrant little brats otherwise known as toddlers. Algebra was the name of The Little Rascals (or Our Gang, but I'm not that old) mule. Stymie would lead it around and say, "Come, come Algebra." And that's what I'd tell my little bra. . . lovable scamps when they were being obstinate. I could not find a short clip of that exact quote, but here's some Algebra action for you anyway.

What's this? Spaghetti?
Is it possible for me to say, "Huh?" or "Pray tell, what for is this strange matter that is bought before me?" Instead I sometimes say "What's this? Spaghetti?" And the answer always is, "No it's not spaghetti, you idiot."To the people who answer my query so rudely I give to you this episode of  The Brady Bunch.

If you don't want to bother to watch the whole damned episode, here's a quick rundown. The Bunch are at a supermarket when a director of commercials tell them they are a perfect family to hock his bullshit, he'll be right over to film them in a minute. During that minute, the family goes home and gets all full of themselves and start putting on airs. Alice gets baloney curls. When the director comes he sees that they're all changed. He looks at Alice's baloney curls and says, "What's this? Spaghetti?" The catchphrase caught on only with me and Gina. 

Lower The Voice
This saying has been beaten out of me by my family. And, although it has nothing to do with pop culture, it does have to do with the TV. 

When I was growing up my grandmother was always telling us to "Baja la voz" because we were kids and liked the TV hovering around 100 decibels. Then I got married and had kids who speak even less Spanish than I do (which, by mathematical reasoning is less than zero) so I had to tell them to put the TV down in a language they could understand, "Lower the voice."

Well, ha ha ha family! Go ahead and all speak in bass tones while the TV blares on loudly. See if I care!


80's romance girl wants to know when all this bloggity crap is gonna end so she can get with the slappityfups. The innieouting. The boomabangity. The hockichachi. The sex! 80's romance girl has been waiting 30 years!