Wednesday, June 3, 2015

When I Was A Kid I Was Pretty Stupid

This was entry was going to be titled When I Was A Kid I Was Retarded but I didn't want to hear it from the word Nazis. What brought this up was Afternoon Delight. Although I called bullshit on this song, it was really all me and my dumb head not understanding English. I believed a lot of stupid stuff when I was young. Here is a list of a few of them.


  1. Starsky and Hutch were in love with each other but couldn't get married because they were both boys and boys falling in love with each other was impossible. Like couldn't and never did happen type of impossible. Like it is impossible to eat negative two cream puffs.
  2. Michael Jackson was really, truly in love with the girl he sang to in the song Got To Be There because he would wake up early in the morning to trudge all the way to her house so that he could be there when she woke up. Now that I'm older I wonder what the hell Michael Jackson was doing sleeping with his girlfriend overnight when he was 13 years old. Explains a lot about his later years.
  3. One day I would become a great cook and make the world's greatest treat by frying whipped cream in butter. I could not understand why this recipe had not yet been invented.
  4. We women had four holes down there. One for pee, one for poop, one for the penis and one that the baby came out of. Honestly, my understanding was miles more sophisticated than any of the other kids my age.
  5. One of my very first memories is getting a goldfish from Coney Island. My mom put it on top of the refrigerator in a goldfish bowl. Some indeterminate amount of time passed (I was about 3, what did I know about the passage of time?) and my mom all of a sudden wouldn't let me into the kitchen but I saw what she was trying to block from my view. The goldfish had leaped out of the bowl and was dead on the kitchen floor. I remember thinking: why is mommy so upset? The stupid goldfish had all the water he needed to breath in the bowl we gave him. If he wanted to be dead on the kitchen floor, well, that's what he wanted. No need to be upset about it. 
  6. Not me but both my children. To this day they are reluctant to eat baby corn because they insist I told them it was made out of babies. I do not remember telling them any such thing. I do have a vague recollection of telling them that baby corn is, well, baby corn. Immature corn. Not full grown corn. Baby corn. Yeah, never try to get too technical with children under 5.
  7. I was nine when I read The Exorcist. Not the worst thing I read as a child by far. Nobody monitored what I read. I was a lucky kid. Still, after I read The Exorcist I would lay in bed, hear my stomach growl and become convinced I was being possessed. I would grab on to the edge of the mattress and judge if it was levitating off the box spring.
Going to Coney Island was the best thing ever. Nothing could beat the feeling of seeing the Wonder Wheel rise up in the distance. You could see it, like, 10 stops away on the D.

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It would probably take 80's romance girl 4 hours to get to Coney Island from Long Island via mass transit.