Thursday, June 18, 2015

This Is Not A Drug Den

I need a new mini-torch. Sure, I can continue to steal my son's when he isn't looking but I really need one of my own-- that crack's not gonna cook itself! Which is what I'm sure any cop who walks into my house would think if he saw all the discarded carcasses of dead mini-torches. Also, my son's torch is a real crack pipe torch in that you have to hold down the trigger to get the flame and I only have three hands.

Don't buy this torch:

It is a Stalwart 75-TZ6915 Hawk Self Igniting Refillable Butane Micro Torch with Ceramic Tip. I bought it because it, like me, is cheap. I may have paid about $12 for it. It was a terrible deal at half the price. I don't know what this company means when they say the word 'ceramic'. It must be some new kind of ceramic that is made of plastic. The first time I used it, the tip melted. Sure, I was torching up a storm but, if there's one thing I know about torches is that the goddamned tip should not melt.

This next torch worked well for two whole years and it was a pretty blue, see?

This Blazer Stingray Butane Torch cost $35 at the time I purchased it, but I had a gift card, so my cheap ass only paid $12 for it. Last summer I tried to light the charcoal chimney with it, as I had done countless times before, and it wouldn't light. It has butane in it, it clicks like it's gonna light. It just doesn't light. I'm sure there's a torch engineer out there who could figure out why the fucker won't light anymore but he ain't me.

Once I fire up all that crack I have to put it in something. How about poly bags. I've got over 1000 of them in different sizes. They are good for crack and weed and earrings and rings. Sure I mostly use it for jewelry but when the DEA raids this joint, they will call it drug paraphernalia.

As I am sure they will call my spice grinder. I have two of them. One that looks pretty but doesn't grind shit:

And my workhorse grinder that is especially good for herbs and big seedy things like cardamom and dried things like chili peppers.

It wasn't until after I purchased this that two people saw it in my kitchen and asked if I smoke a lot of weed. What does smoking weed have to do with making Grains of Paradise Pepper?

In conclusion, please don't bust down my door and shoot my cats, DEA. I have a reasonable explanation for everything.

P.S. this is my third hand:

80's romance girl is listening to Wham! and is unaware of George Michael's sexuality.